Then Jesus told his disciples, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.”

Matthew 16:24-25 ESV

https://bible.com/bible/59/mat.16.24-25.ESV

Have you ever found yourself asking why me? Why now? Why this?  Yeah, me too.  In 2007 I was completely hopeless.  I was a nurse who became addicted to prescription opiates- hydrocodone, oxycodone, fentanyl, dilaudid, anything I could get my hands on really.  I had an exploratory surgery in 2005 and was given hydrocodone for pain afterward.  I had never really taken any pain medication other than an aspirin or Tylenol up to that point, as I never really thought that I needed it.  I had a couple of surgeries prior to this one and also two childbirths but the medicine seemed to make things worse for me so I never took it.  I went to nursing school in 2004 and we were taught that pain is the new vital sign.  Take temperature, blood pressure, heart rate, respirations and assess for pain.  We were taught that pain is subjective and whatever the patient says their pain is that is how you treat it.  I was also taught to stay on top of pain and don’t let pain get out of control because chasing pain is a much harder pain to control and would be more difficult for your patients to become pain free.  So when I had this surgery after I became a nurse I followed the advice I was given as a nursing student.  I took the medication every 4 hours at any hint of discomfort or pain.  I distinctly remember feeling the all over euphoric feeling of that medication racing through my body- from the top of my head to the soles of my feet, a feeling of warmth  and wellbeing, like everything is going to be alright.  

Prior to this surgery I had started seeking counseling because I just wasn’t feeling right.  I felt that I ‘should be happy.” I seemingly had everything that I could possibly want or need.  I had a husband who adored me, a new career that I was so excited about and worked so hard to gain, my kids were thriving and doing well in school and their respective sports.  I looked like I had it all.  But I was miserable, I was discontent, frustrated and anxious all the time and depressed.  The more I looked around at what I had the more upset and frustrated I became with myself.  I was ashamed at how I felt, because “I should be happy!”  And, yet all I thought about was how everyone else would be better off if I weren’t here.  I had started taking anti depressants and anti anxiety medication and it just wasn’t giving me the desired effects.  I’m not sure exactly what I thought or how I thought I should be feeling. But I’m going to be honest, when I took that pain medicine- oh that is how I thought everyone else must be feeling and I thought that is how the anti depressant and anti anxiety medicine was supposed to make me feel.  I think that is how the enemy plays us.  He makes us think we are missing out on something, that we are not normal and everyone else has more and experiences life differently than we do.  Little did I know in those moments of taking the pain medication that I would be set up for one of the hardest battles of my life in just a few short years; and for several years after that.

I quickly became addicted to prescription medications and my whole world fell apart.  Eventually, I did loose my nursing license, my marriage (for a while), my house and a lot of my possessions.  I also lost my freedom for sometime, but in those moments of desperation of ‘hitting rock bottom’ is where I found the rock at the bottom.  I recommitted my life to Christ and the more I sought him the closer he came to me (James 4:8). I discovered my identity, a child of God, saved by grace created for good works that were predestined for me to do (see Ephesians 2:8-10).  I began to work through the painful memories, emotions and past experiences that led me to want to numb and escape with the help of good counsel, good friends, a good Bible preaching church and a whole lot of prayer.  I do not want to give the wrong impression and make it appear that everything was made right over night because I said one prayer or attended one Church service.  It is far from the case.  I had many many years between my surrender and where I am today.  Many battles that have been hard won and fought and some that have not been won yet.  But I have never ever been alone because Jesus has been with me and He has fought every battle for me and gave me the strength to do the hard things that needed to be done.  He led me to good counsel, good friends, a good Church.  In my weakness He is my strength.  When I was going through withdrawal, loosing everything and everyone I loved, loosing my career and my reputation I thought I would die, and I did.  I died to self, I died to my way of thinking and my way of living and started to take direction and listening to the still small voice of the Holy Spirit and I became teachable and moldable.  My life truly began at the end of my comfort zone.  If you are struggling with not feeling right, with being ashamed because you ‘should be happy’, with thinking that your family would be better off if you weren’t here or maybe you are addicted to a substance like I was.  Let me suggest these first three steps of alcoholics and narcotics anonymous- paraphrased-

1. Admit you are powerless. Go tell someone you trust and ask for help 
2. Surrender to God– pray for strength and allow him to lead you to the right help- accept the help!
3. Believe He can help restore you to sanity.  This part takes some time.  You didn’t get where you are over night so you won’t be restored over night either.  

“Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working.”James 5:16

I know that some things need more than a threestep process to get through. I do not want this post to be a substitution for good sound counseling. There are many professional counselors through the https://AACC.net website And you can also go to https://psychologytoday.com for a listing of professional counselors in your area. Word of mouth is also a great way to find professional help so ask someone you trust who they might recommend.