Progress not Perfection

I have a quick temper and a quit wit.  I have been known to burn a bridge before it was even built.  I think fast and move fast and sometimes that is good but so- so many times that is disastrous.  I have to struggle through the concept that James spoke about in his letter to the Jewish converts in James 1:19: He says: know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger. 

I remember a time not long ago when I was under a lot of stress.  I found myself getting angry at everything around me.  I was struggling to see good in others, in myself in the world.  Can anyone relate?  I was burning bridges left and right; with friends, family, coworkers and ultimately with my husband.  What’s more concerning is that I believed I was right and justified in how I was acting.  And, maybe I was, by the world’s standards.  I can look back at that time (and sadly, many more times before that) and see how I did have a level of truth and justification for how I felt and how I was acting.  That’s the scary thing about having a strong personality, I can be right and my actions be completely wrong.  

The other thing I have learned, too, about ‘being right’ is no one cares until they know how much you care; and sometimes they don’t care then! I think that is why James shared in 1:21:therefore put away all filthiness and rampant wickedness and receive with meekness the implanted word, which is able to save your souls.  

The implanted word: a few months before my world turned upside down and my husband asked for a divorce, I became so hungry for the word of God.  I read almost the entire Old Testament in a matter of weeks and was studying through the New Testament- I was hungry!  I am grateful that God placed in me that desire because I had no idea what was in store for the coming months: but He did.  He knew that I would need to develop a new level of humility to become honest with myself as to how I was acting and behaving.  God was using that time to reveal in me a new level of my self centeredness, pride, arrogance, haughty spirit- you decide what verbiage you want or like to use.  Throughout that time I was praying, praying for my husband and everyone else I knew to change.  I knew I couldn’t change them but I could pray for them to change.  I laugh at the absurdity of this now because I’m on the other side of it and know how God used those prayers and lessons to change me.  Years ago I started praying a prayer when I was upset or feeling victimized in some way.  I would (and still do) pray “Bless them, change me”.  I wouldn’t always want them blessed per se but I would follow the example in the book of Matthew when Jesus told his disciples to pray for their enemies (Matthew 5:44).  This prayers would be all I could muster sometimes.  It was simple, direct and I wouldn’t have to dig too deep to forgive.  It would be a start- progression through the act of forgiveness and ultimately progression through seeing my flaws.

I am happy to say that my husband and I did not follow through with our divorce.  We had a lot of work to do, I had a lot of work to do.  We needed to learn how to communicate, trust and think the best of one another.  We needed to learn that we weren’t the enemies to each other but each other’s teammate, helpmate.  I’ll share more on how to that in future posts but for now here are few takeaways:

Progress does not mean perfection: as we journey and heal we will never ‘arrive’ and we will never be perfect.  We can be the problem in the relationship no matter how hard you want to believe it is the other person.  

Progress requires surrender: Surrendering to the love of Christ.  Jesus loves you so much that He is unwilling to allow you to stay stuck in the muck of your own pride and self centeredness.  When I am disturbed by others actions I am quick now to say that prayer “bless them change me” and now I also take it one step further and pray “help me to see my error, help me to remember that you are the one in control and I am not”.  

Progress requires honesty:  a level of honesty that sometimes is hard to face because it is being completely honest about yourself to yourself.  This also has been hard for me because I have burned bridges and hurt people that I felt very justified in hurting.  

The good news is this, Jesus is right there with me and you. Helping me to see me, my true self.  Yes i certainly can be self centered and full of pride.  But when I surrender in the love of Christ (he can’t love me any more or less than he does right now) and become honest with myself (my flawed self) then I am full of love, compassion and empathy that will hopefully and ultimately point others to the love of Christ and the hope that only He can provide.