In my last post I shared how I was prepared for what was ahead by having a hunger for God’s word.  How I read through so much of the Old Testament and the New and how God knew what my journey was going to be like.  He wanted me to be reminded of his goodness and of his mercy for the days that were to come.  He wanted me to know of his provision and to know where to find answers to my burning questions; and to be okay with not having the answers.  

I think we have all heard at one point or another in our life that “god does not put more on you than you can handle”.  I don’t think that is scriptural.  I have often heard in contrast to that “He does not put more on you than He can handle”.  He wants us fully surrendered to Him and He wants us to know where our strength comes from.  It brings me to one of my favorite Bible stories from the Old Testament.  This where Elijah the prophet has just slayed 400 Baal prophets with his sword.  Can you imagine the strength and the stamina to pull that off?  He cut them into pieces.  It never discusses that sword is sharpened at any time.  Have you ever cut a piece of meat with a dull knife?  sorry, I know that appears to be gruesome.  God was with him, every step of the way and obviously didn’t allow the sword to become dull.  But then Elijah became afraid of one little woman.  I shared about this in a previous post as well.  

He ran and hid and asked God to take his life.  Wow! Dramatic?  I’ve been there haven’t you.  “Well God, if I can’t have my way, you might as well just take my life now”.  But God knew Elijah had more work to do.  He knew he was going to need to be strengthened because his journey was going to be great and long in the days ahead.  In fact the verse from todays reading tells us so:

And the angel of the Lord came again a second time and touched him and said, “Arise and eat, for the journey is too great for you.”

1 Kings 19:7 ESV

https://bible.com/bible/59/1ki.19.7.ESV

In those few months leading to my separation from Ted in June of 2021 I was being prepared for healing.  I didn’t know that I was strengthening my resolve, building my character and preparing for a battle, but God knew.  He knew exactly what I needed to be able to change MY behavior.  

When my husband asked for a divorce on June 4, 2021 I was convinced that he was inconsiderate and controlling.  I’m sure I thought and threw around the word narcissist more than a few times.  Stating things like, “he thinks he can control me, he only wants things his way, how dare he think I can’t spend money the way I want”.  I think back on that time and am embarrassed by my own ‘narcissistic’ traits and attributes.  

In the coming weeks after that day in June I witnessed a miracle.  so many people asked how they could pray for us.  My answer was always the same, “I don’t want restoration”, restoring what we had, I had not desire to be apart of.  I would always end my statement with this, “but I will be obedient to God, whatever He asks of me”.  I knew enough from my years of rebellion and reading other stories of rebellious individuals that I did not want to be disobedient anymore! But I sure did not know how God was going to change my husband!  In my eyes he was the problem. I was the one that was moving closer to God, I was the more spiritual one and I was the one who was helping so many people and he was being selfish and self centered because he couldn’t see the work that God wanted me to do.  Do you hear the pride and arrogance in that? the narcissistic traits under the guise of spirituality? 

The rest of the month of June was filled with more of the same pride and haughtiness on my part.  We lived under the same roof for most of that while I worked on getting a place to live.  

July 1, 2021 I began an intentional prayer journey, one that would work a miracle in me! 

https://blog.lproof.org/2021/06/31-days-of-prayer.html?fbclid=IwAR2wPa6bGlmSP_xn2shtWp5yFB2azwwj8akYxlOOIbRkL1086IGKvoLAO9M

As I followed these intentional prayers and journaled through the prompts day after day, a miraculous healing began in me.  God showed me, me.  He showed me how I did not honor my husband, I did not respect my husband.  He revealed to me how patient and loving my husband has been for a better part of 22 years.  He began to show me how I was doing the exact thing that I complained that my husband was doing- being selfish and not considering him.  How my sarcasm could hurt, how over the years we both became complacent and moved in opposite directions.  I was able to ask God and my husband to forgive me and God worked out a miracle.  

There are so many healings that happened in those two months, they were exhausting and energizing all at the same time- but each of them had to do with breaking down my pride and surrendering to the Holy Spirits will.  One of the biggest lessons that I take from that time, and remind myself of often, is that I was unable to do any of that on my own.  It was the work of the Holy Spirit working in me, leading, guiding, directing, correcting and convicting me; and ultimately delivering and empowering me to do the will of my father. 

Galatians 5: 19-23 the message version says it this way, 

“It is obvious what kind of life develops out of trying to get your own way all the time: repetitive, loveless, cheap sex; a stinking accumulation of mental and emotional garbage; frenzied and joyless grabs for happiness; trinket gods; magic-show religion; paranoid loneliness; cutthroat competition; all-consuming-yet-never-satisfied wants; a brutal temper; an impotence to love or be loved; divided homes and divided lives; small-minded and lopsided pursuits; the vicious habit of depersonalizing everyone into a rival; uncontrolled and uncontrollable addictions; ugly parodies of community. I could go on. This isn’t the first time I have warned you, you know. If you use your freedom this way, you will not inherit God’s kingdom. But what happens when we live God’s way? He brings gifts into our lives, much the same way that fruit appears in an orchard—things like affection for others, exuberance about life, serenity. We develop a willingness to stick with things, a sense of compassion in the heart, and a conviction that a basic holiness permeates things and people. We find ourselves involved in loyal commitments, not needing to force our way in life, able to marshal and direct our energies wisely. Legalism is helpless in bringing this about; it only gets in the way. Among those who belong to Christ, everything connected with getting our own way and mindlessly responding to what everyone else calls necessities is killed off for good—crucified.”

Galatians 5:19-23 MSG

https://bible.com/bible/97/gal.5.19-23.MSG

My prayer for each of you reading this: Holy Spirit, move in the heart and mind of the one reading this.  Help him or her see the error of their ways instead of looking to change their partner.  Help them to see clearly all the hope that is in Christ for them.  If they do not know you intimately, draw them towards you- you say that we are won over by your kindness, not fear! Help us all that know you stop casting stones on others but to remember that our greatest commandment is summed up with Love you with out heart, soul and mind and love others as our self! Help us to know how deeply we are loved by you, so that we can and will go love others as you commanded! In Jesus name, Amen.