“But by the grace of God I am what I am, and his grace toward me was not in vain. On the contrary, I worked harder than any of them, though it was not I, but the grace of God that is with me.”

1 Corinthians 15:10 ESV

https://bible.com/bible/59/1co.15.10.ESV

Narcissism, the word and trait is everywhere.  Everywhere on social media, in writings, on TV.  Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a diagnosis from the DSM.  There are many symptoms and traits that constitute being diagnosed with this particular disorder and here is a link to a good article to help explain it more https://helpguide.org/articles/mental-disorders/narcissistic-personality-disorder.htm.  But narcissism has been around since the beginning of time.  Saul in the Old Testament, the first Israelite king, suffered so pervasively that he lost his anointing, became depressed and anxious all the time and eventually died at his own hands (see 1 Kings).  

In June 2021 my husband asked for a divorce.  I can’t say now that I blame him, I couldn’t really say then that I blamed him much either.  Honestly, I didn’t really want to be married anymore either but I didn’t know what to do or how to go about getting better.  I was sure that my husband was not doing all he could to better himself and we both foolishly thought a different geographic location could help us.  We both were severely overweight, had extreme joint pain and were dealing with significant stress from the previous year of COVID restrictions, work demands and changes of navigating our new normal.  We were existing at best.  If I’m honest, we had done that most of our marriage.  I did my thing and he did his.  While our children were younger, it worked because we had their activities as a distraction and an excuse.  He had their activities as a distraction and an excuse.  

I had my own distractions.  In the first years of our marriage I had nursing school.  Then my substance addiction and ultimate recovery from it took precedence.  Then I returned to school to become a mental health and addictions therapist.  Once that was completed, I turned my focus on Church and other spiritual matters.  None of it was wrong, in fact, it was all very good things that I was doing.  The problem was it was all consuming and it made me feel self righteous and arrogant.  It also drew me away from my first calling of wife and mother.  

When my husband came home on June 4. 2021 and I was sitting there doing more of the good things that I was sure I was supposed to be doing.  He broke, he said “I want a divorce”.  I became indignant, went quietly to our bedroom, asked God what I should do, fell asleep, woke up, split the money in our checking account and went to my mothers to begin the process of moving in with her.  all the while believing that he was the self centered, controlling, arrogant, narcissistic trait heavy one in the relationship.  

I shared in previous posts how God was preparing me for the next few months that I was going to be going through.  How I had become hungry for the truth in God’s word, how my mind was being renewed and how my character was being built.  I did not know the direction that He was taking me in, but I did fully trust Him.  In July 2021 I began the 31 days of prayer https://blog.lproof.org/2021/06/31-days-of-prayer.html?fbclid=IwAR2wPa6bGlmSP_xn2shtWp5yFB2azwwj8akYxlOOIbRkL1086IGKvoLAO9M and my eyes started to become open.  One of the daily prayers that I repeated was “Break strongholds of pride, selfishness and narcissistic leadership.” I was sure that was geared towards my husband the first few days of prayer, but then something amazing started to happen around July 15.  My heart began to soften, I slowly became aware of my pride, selfishness and narcissism.  How I was so self righteous and did not consider my husband’s feelings or emotions.  I believed him to be arrogant and controlling and I had to do everything in my power to set a boundary to change him so he would not try and control me.

  The Holy Spirit was convicting me, wanting to change me and giving me the grace and ability to do so.  Which brings us to what Paul says  “But by the grace of God I am what I am, and his grace toward me was not in vain. On the contrary, I worked harder than any of them, though it was not I, but the grace of God that is with me.”1 Corinthians 15:10 ESV.  If we are open to the leading of the Holy Spirit, if we surrender completely to the one that can change minds, hearts and actions; we can do the work we were predestined to accomplish.  He will take you from grace to grace, glory to glory, everlasting to everlasting.  Pride and arrogance are hard pills to swallow, but I can say I am grateful for the realization today.  I hold onto those months when my prideful behavior becomes apparent and rears its ugly head.  On July 31, 2021 I sent an email to my husband.  I may share that some day in future posts, but in essence I apologized, identified what the Holy Spirit had been revealing to me of how I had not honored him, cherished him and respected him or thought the best of him.  It was the start to reunification and reconciliation.  We did not restore what we once had, we renewed what we both had always wanted.  We are still working towards renewal everyday with the leading the Holy Spirit, which is the only way I can keep my pride, arrogance and narcissism dead and buried.  

I feel compelled to say this: If you believe this message is for someone else, I challenge you to look inward; the enemy wants only to kill, steal and destroy.  If he can’t make you sin, he’ll keep you busy doing good and possibly make you feel self righteous and prideful.  You’ll start (or continue) believing it is someone else who is controlling and narcissistic.

Prayer:  God, thank you for realization and softened hearts.  Thank you for each person reading this and reveal to them what you want them to see.  Take the scales from their eyes, lead them to Godly counsel that can help them through the change process without condemnation but with grace and conviction.  Help them to realize that it’s not about behavior modification but about heart change which can only be accomplished through your grace and the leading of the Holy Spirit.  Thank you Jesus for providing a way, for dying on the cross for my sins and for sending the Holy Spirit to live in me to make it possible for me to live free of the strongholds of sin and bondage.    I pray this in Jesus name, Amen!