Rebellious or courageous?

Rebellious or courageous?

You created every part of me; you put me together in my mother’s womb. Psalm 139:13 GNTD

Hey yal (you are loved)

I was recently at my local Church women’s ministry function when this question was asked: “describe yourself in one word.” Everyone was silent.  I assumed because everyone was anxious about how to answer.  So, me being the loud, offensive, challenging brat that I am said ,”courageous“.

Did you notice the adjectives I used above: loud, offensive, challenging, brat….courageous? I remember from a young age hearing “you’re too loud, quiet down; wow, why do you have to be so mean and why do you have to argue with everything anyone says? you think everything is a game!”.  Time went on and unfortunately the negative seemed to get more and more ingrained within me (neuroplasticity).  This led to solutions to my painful memories, emotions and past experiences (negative core beliefs) that were problematic; but the most problematic and damaging of all was the prison I walled myself in.  I became someone that objectified everything and everyone. If you do not quite understand what that is or what that may look like in a relationship- it is not pretty- it’s a living hell.  I controlled, I manipulated, I screamed, I yelled, I manhandled, I alienated, I harmed, I violated others’ peace because of the chaos that swarmed inside of me, the absolute hate that I had for myself.  Why? because I felt that no one could really love me because at my core belief I believed I was unlovable. I took up a lot of space with my very large personality.

I didn’t love me so I certainly could not love anyone else.  I have a theory and this is not to condemn, please hear my heart, I believe we can only love others from the amount we love ourselves or know how much we are loved.  The psalmist wrote ‘You created every part of me; you put me together in my mother’s womb’. Psalm 139:13 GNTD.  The prophet Jeremiah prophesied about God having a good plan for our lives (29:11).  Paul also told us in his letters to the early churches that we were predestined for good works and that He that started the good work is faithful to complete it. (Ephesians 2, I Cor 15).  The truth of the matter is those rebellious, aggressive, argumentative, bossy characteristics, placed in the hands of a God who literally wants to lavish us with all the love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness and self control that HE possesses in the form of the Holy Spirit that literally indwells us! All we have to do is receive- it’s a posture, a letting go, an opening of the hands in utter awe of His love and then there is nothing left to do but love your God with all of your heart, mind and strength and love your neighbor as yourself!

If my neurons wired together based upon the core belief that I was unlovable because of being ‘too loud, too aggressive, too demanding, too argumentative’ then maybe I could rewire my brain (neuroplasticity) by reading the truth, believing the truth and allowing the truth to set me free.  Free from the prison of my own walls of protection.  The truth that states you are wonderfully made.  In the truth of what God says about me is that He made me exactly the way he needed me.

God wants to heal all of your innermost wounds. He came to earth in human form, humbled himself as a baby, lived a sinless life- where He didn’t even have hate in His heart- only love.  Willingly inserted himself in the lives of the outcasts and downtrodden – the people that society called hopeless and helpless and never amount to anything!  The loud, the aggressive, the bossy, the know- it- alls, the misguided and the oppressed, the ones that felt like they did not belong.  He touched the leper, he spoke to the shameful woman from the wrong cultural background.  He went, he sought them out, he saw them as they were …helpless… hopeless.  He went to the Father, begged for there to be a different way.  But there was no other way, so he willingly gave himself up to be beaten and crucified by the very people he had chosen to he his people so long ago.  He knew there was no other way, sin must be paid for and there was no one else who was able to withstand the temptation of the evil one.  He did, he took the entire weight of sin upon himself, so that he could conquer sin, death and the grave.  He rose from the dead, reconciled with the apostles, reminded them of what he said and did and how they were going to tell all of the nations about the good news, Immanuel- God with us.  He then explained to them “it will be better that I go away for if I go away I will send the comforter/helper” (John 16:7).

He said it would be better, because the Holy Spirit can be everyone, with everyone at all times because it is God in spirit form.  As Christians we believe in the trinity: God the father, God the son and God the spirit- three distinct persons in one form.  The spirit is what empowers us and guides us through the trials, missteps, muck, mire; the weight of 400 generations of physical, mental and spiritual tolls through our ancestral line .  But a God that created the universe, separated the night from day, land from sea, all the creatures great and small and then took the time to create ‘man in our image’ (Genesis 1:26-31)…He probably could orchestrate twists, turns, missteps, muck and mire to turn bossy into leader, aggressive into assertive, manipulative into motivating, rebellious into courageous.  He can turn the little girl who learned not to care what anyone thinks of her as a protection from the pain of loneliness and rejection into a warrior, tested and proved not to care what anyone thinks of her because the savior of the world calls her worthy.  And He is no respecter of persons- if He did it for me He will do it for you!  As a matter of fact, He already has!

Lord, I pray that the words written are sent out and received by faith.  I am believing by faith that the healing of the painful memories, emotions and past experiences will supernaturally be received because of the pressing and the purification process.  I pray that you will lead the right discipleship leader and group to encourage and edify them in their sanctification process.  In Jesus name- Amen




"Thank you for telling me what I needed to hear and not what I wanted to hear; and doing it in the most loving and stern way I've ever seen!"
- Amanda I.

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